You meet, maybe you even speak, and youre consumed with the desire to have this person.
You may make the mistake of believing they are your soulmate.
Isnt that how it goes in the movies?
Brandon Woelfel
You believe that this is it.
Youve found the one, whether this other person realizes it or not.
More likely, this person is representing your unhealed trauma and they have activated an old wound within you.
And relationships that start from this place rarely end well.
Here is what it can look like.
Maybe you meet a really hot guy, the kind of guy that easily could have any girl.
And you become instantlyobsessed, like more than the average person who may stare and appreciate the hotness.
The kind of person you cant quite crack.
And yet, you seem to be turned off by partners who are open and available.
Love wasnt based on who you were, it was about what youdid.
you gotta do more, try harder.
Is it love or is it limerence?
The obsession consumes your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Its essentially a form of relationship OCD.
You obsessively think about the person and play and replay every interaction, analyzing every text and innuendo.
You are vacillate between hope and uncertainty, a game of he loves me, he loves me not.
Limerence usually takes hold when the object of your desire hasnt made it fully clear where they stand.
They havent flat out rejected you, but they havent made any moves to indicate significant interest.
So you cling onto any scraps they dish your way that could indicate they reciprocate your feelings.
The defining feature of limerence is that the thoughts are incessant, uncontrollable, and all consuming.
If you are someone who isdesperate for love, you are predisposed to limerence.
When someone comes into your life who sparks something in you, you may latch on forcefully.
Limerence isnt usually about the other person,its a psychological wound within yourself.
A trauma bond can happen with someone youre in a relationship with or a situationship.
Basically, it all starts out amazing, you think youve finally found the one.
These relationships usually start out with a love bombing phase and love bombing can feel really nice!
But things take a turn.
Suddenly, he isnt on the same page as you, he doesnt want what you want.
This sudden change confuses you and causes immense stress.
Cortisol floods through you.
Youre perpetually stressed and on edge.
But then it shifts again… hes back and its like the beginning again.
But that doesnt last and then he pulls away again.
You are sucked in this cortisol/dopamine alternating cycle and you literally become addicted to it.
The mechanism is the same as any other addiction.
You cant seem to find your way out.
But your partner doesnt always have to be a narcissist to create a trauma bond.
Sometimes two people are justtoxictogether.
Sometimes on person is toxic and the other is too weak to walk away.
When you feel the intense pull, stop and pull back and think a little bit.
Gain a more objective perspective- what am I really drawn to here?
Whats really pulling me?
What is the underlying need?
In what ways does this feel familiar to me?
And theres no place like home.
There is a comfort in being home because if your home was far from comfortable!
So recognize your patterns and address those inner wounds that are setting you up for heartbreak and devastation.
