I am seeing myself for the first time in a year, and its absolutely terrifying.
I would take a quick glance around the room, and not a person was looking at me.
Not even my teacher, who should have definitely been concerned about my shifty behavior.
@daria
I was viciously conscious of every hair on my head and every square inch of flesh on my body.
I thought I had fought past this debilitating self-destruction.
But as I am leaving quarantine after over a year, it is back and more brutal than ever.
Im starting to make plans again.
Which means Im starting to need to wear actual outfits again.
For 15 months, Ive been switching the same scrubs and sweatpants.
Appearance was not an issue when I was covered head to toe in PPE.
I am seeing myself for the first time in a year, and its absolutely terrifying.
I never had a really good mental picture of what I look like.
What I thought was self-acceptance was actually blissful ignorance.
I didnt feel better about what I saw because I wasnt seeing anything.
Not only that, I have been spending allllllllll of my free time on social media.
Every ounce of input that I was getting was telling me I wasnt good enough.
Its kind of like when you leave a movie in the middle of the day.
I have to let my eyes readjust.
I have to give myself time to readjust to seeing myself in a kind way.
I have to let the rays of the public eye see me without worrying about being burned.
But maybe I can learn from this lockdown experience.
Of all the personal and global adversities, not a single one of them was related to my body.
Or how I looked.
Or what someone thought of me.
No number on any scale dictated my mood.
Now, its important to consider that my brain was focused on more important things like survival and such.
I just have to walk out.
