The appearing and vanishing act like it wasnt such a big deal.
Maybe this time wed get it right.
I held onto the one day and the maybe and the promises I wanted to be real.
God & Man
But I think in my heart I knew it would never end the way I envisioned it.
Still, every few months Id wake up and look at my phone.
To another ending to a relationship that wasnt one.
God & Man
But every time I caved.
A conversation turned into likes and follows even though weblocked each other.
It was a vicious toxic cycle and I hate how much I loved it.
It was almost a relationship but only the bad parts.
But in my mind, I wondered who he was with.
Moments where hed switch the read receipt on an off just to fuck with me.
Blowing up my newsfeed and looking at every story just to remind me he was there.
The coming and going as he chose as if I was some choice he got to make.
And every time he left I was the one hurt and mourning a pain I grew so used to.
There are two emotions you are overcome with, sad because it didnt work out the way you wanted.
And relief that its over.
But the after-effects of an almost relationship impact every future relationship you have.
Its the little things.Texting shouldnt leave you so paranoid but it does.
You shouldnt go into a date expecting them to cancel but you do.
Ghosting shouldnt be what you expect but you suddenly do.
You shouldnt have to try so hard but you are.
Expecting the worst of someone shouldnt be where your head is at but it is.
Milestones shouldnt leave you taking a deep breath but you do just that.
And someone treating you well all the time shouldnt be so foreign but it is.
Its needing that reassurance in someone and you feel guilty for it.
Its not trusting someone even though theyve given you no reason to.
In making that choice it turned into a pattern of going after people who were emotionally unavailable.
Its the fear of a relationship ending that hasnt even begun yet.
Its subconsciously messing things up because endings and relationships not going your way are what youre used to.
Its crossing paths with really great guys and growing so afraid of it.
Its looking at yourself in the mirror and doubting what you see.
Getting out of the cycle of an almost relationship isnt the hard part.
The hard part is when you have to recover from it.
Its an old habit that dies hard.
Its realizing yeah you chose someone you shouldnt and part of that is on you.
