It taught me about compassion and understanding and vulnerability.
Alcohol only makes it worse so Ive tried to lean away from that.
I choose not to escape but rather face these things head on.
God & Man
And moments like these when it hits is when its the ugliest.
Its 1AM on a Saturday and I wonder why I stayed home tonight.
I didnt go to a party.
God & Man
I didnt go to a bar.
I just stayed put.
Its 1AM and I feel so alone but I dont want to burden my loved ones with negative company.
Make me believe things that arent true but at 1AM I believe it.
Its 1AM and Im wondering why I wasnt invited anywhere.
I look at my phone.
I look at snapchat and instagram.
And I know those moments arent an accurate depiction of everyones life all the time.
I dont see their struggles.
All I see is Im holding back tears alone at 1AM and I wonder whats wrong with me.
I wonder why me?
Nor do I know how to explain any of it.
My brother stumbles home drunk and I look at him with envy.
I wonder what being really happy all the time feels like.
Drinking not to escape but because it enhances your good emotions instead of your bad ones.
I really did believe that.
Its 1AM and depression tells me Im a burden.
That no one cares.
That all everyone does is worry about me because Im a little too needy sometimes.
These are the things depression tells me at 1AM.
I analyze my last relationship gone wrong thinking Im too blame.
Replaying all the things I wish I could have changed.
I say to myself, why do you let yourself get like that?
Then I continue on with my day.
Because depression doesnt mean Im sad and emotional all the time.
It just has its moments that consume me for a bit.
When people ask how are you, I say okay.
When you have depression 80% of your life is okay.
At 1AM on bad nights I dont even recognize myself.
And I talk to my friends and they say you sound differently.
And they can tell this isnt the real me.
I feel bad for bothering them.
The other 10% are really happy moments that carry me through everything else.
Moments where happiness doesnt seem hard to achieve and I wish I could hang onto that a bit longer.
These moments make me undeniably grateful.
Its those people I think of during bad nights.
Its their pictures I look back at.
People ask why I take so many pictures and I know its kind of annoying sometimes.
At 1AM I know everything going through my head that seems real isnt.
Depression tells me Im weird.
Depression tells me no one likes me.
Depression tells me Im going to lose everyone and everything I care about.
Depression tells me its always my fault when something ends or goes wrong.
And I want to apologize for things I dont even know I did.
At 1AM I am my own worst enemy.
I know eventually Ill grow too tired of this.
My eyes will shut and then itll be morning.
But I start my day and I cant shake the fact this isnt normal to feel this way.
That life shouldnt feel this heavy.
I hate how much I cling to my phone sometimes.
A unit that makes me feel so lonely sometimes.
A equipment that might mean Im connected but so emotionally disconnected.
I just want it to be normal.
The shadow I dont see in the day but appears at night.
I think back to a time when depression didnt consume me.
And the only thing I can come up with was when I was in love.
And as much as I hate this part of myself he taught me I was capable of being loved.
But it wasnt just that.
He taught me to love and accept myself in ways I never knew how to before.
I learned over time to appreciate these dark sides to myself.
Depression taught me about compassion and understanding and vulnerability.
I learned in the moments I feel so alone and different Im not.
I learned we all feel these things sometimes.
Maybe not as heavily but we all know whats its like to be depressed and lonely sometimes.
And they turn to me knowing Ill welcome them without judgement.
Its the strength knowing I can have nights like that and still fight back and I do.
Its the appreciation for life because I really do love my life and the people in it.
Its realizing there isnt anything harder than overcoming myself and my demons.
With that realization comes resilience that pours into every other part of my life.
I can either let this destroy me or use as fire to fuel me.
Its believing in love so deeply that sometimes I give my best to the wrong people.
Maybe sometimes I love too quickly only to let them takes parts of me as they go.
But I never stop believing in love and its potential.
Maybe thats why we all want it so badly.
