I wear my scars like souvenirs that I shouldn’t be holding onto as I have.
I hold onto the past like its a catchy tune on repeat but I keep pushing replay.
And I think about old loves who have moved on.
God & Man
I look at myself still hung up over it.
Like its my fault for the love they couldnt give me.
Like its my best that was never good enough.
God & Man
I never pin heartbreak on those who deserve its blame.
I never say it was them who was flawed or unworthy of all I had to give.
Instead, I look at my reflection analyzing a list of shortcomings.
The blame gets placed on things I cant change about myself.
I lose myself trying to keep people who arent mine.
I lose myself clinging to the past.
The wordswhat ifplay in my mind and I know I shouldnt be saying those things.
The pictures on my phone feel like yesterday.
And I know I should delete them but I cant seem to.
I refuse to look at the calendar and accept how much time has passed.
Ive gotten love once right and I dont know how I did it?
I dont know to mimic such a thing.
Sometimes I wonder if pain is all Ill ever know.
Sometimes I wonder if I like it.
I like knowing when everyone leaves at least pain I can rely on.
Of the many inconsistent things in my life pain isnt one of them.
And people ask about sadness and how I just know.
They thank me for feeling things so deeply.
But its happiness that is that state so unfamiliar.
I float through the motions painfully content.
Knowing theres more out there.
Knowing theres something Im missing.
I keep thinking I met him and hes already gone.
But what if I havent?
