I want to tell him everything.
That my heart feels like it was smashed in the concrete and stomped on and over and over.
I want to tell him that I thought he was different.
Sarah Diniz Outeiro
That I thought he’d be the one to change everything.
And like with most rejections, it seemed to come out of thin air.
He told me about his day.
He asked how I was.
I told him stupid little details that he probably stopped listening to after five minutes.
I told him about my hand cramping up and about what I made for lunch and breakfast.
Sarah Diniz Outeiro
I mouthed the words I miss you but it didnt come out of my lips.
Maybe I knew all along that phone call wasnt going to end with something that I wanted to hear.
I hold my breath.
He says he wants to talk to me about something.
Something meaning he doesnt like me anymore.
I tell him Im confused.
What I really mean is,I could have loved you.
I want to show him the poems I wrote about him.
I want to tell him that I listen to this one song on repeat and I think of him.
I want to tell him that yes we are different, but the same.
I want to tell him that he is special.
Why didnt he think I was?
I want to tell him everything.
That my heart feels like it was smashed in the concrete and stomped on and over and over.
I want to tell him that I thought he was different.
That I thought hed be the one to change everything.
I just stay quiet.
I let my tears free fall.
My eyes are already red.
My face is splotchy and burning.
Im too far gone.
I want to hiss at him.
To tell him off.
To tell him that hes making a mistake.
Instead I say thank you.
Instead I tell him all the ways he made me feel.
I tell him thank you for caring about me.
But this isnt what caring about someone is supposed to feel like.
You promised you would never hurt me.
In the end, thats all you did.
