He wasn’t going to let me go free, I was certain of that.
The room was lit only by an electric lantern suspended by a hook in the ceiling.
I threw launch the shutters, preferring the fading light of day while I could have it.
Thom Schneider
I sat in a chair and pondered my fate.
I could never hurt anyone, could I?
But what else could I do?
He wasnt going to let me go free, I was certain of that.
Never in my life did I ever have to feel so lonely and afraid.
I started to weep again, uncontrollably.
How could he do this?
I was helpless before his demands, his cold examination, and sinister motives.
Nothing more than that.
Now I knew better, but I would have given anything to remain ignorant.
I rose from the chair, too antsy to remain seated, and crossed to the window.
The landscape was stark, barren leafless trees pressed in all around us, endless.
It was unseasonably warm for January, but I was barefoot and woefully underdressed.
How far would I get before a bear or a wolf caught my scent?
Behind me, the kitchen door opened and Jason appeared.
I wheeled around, unwilling to turn my back on him.
He was smiling sadly at me.
Somehow I almost felt sorry for him.
He must have been nearly as lonely as I was.
Dinners ready, He said, I made my specialty: Macaroni and cheese, tuna, and peas.
Best I could do having only canned meat to work with.
At least the place has well water.
Its crisp and clean.
The smell of hot food changed my mind.
I realized then that I was ravenously hungry.
I dug in, muttering a word of thanks.
It was surprisingly good for a bowl of bachelor chow.
Jason sat across me silently eating his own serving.
His eyes, I noticed, were red-rimmed.
For a wonder, I realized that he too had been crying.
Did he regret his actions, kidnapping me and imprisoning me here in the wilderness?
I stared down at my empty bowl, and he asked, Want some more?
I did, and I nodded.
He took my bowl and served out another scoop of the crude casserole.
What are you going to do with me?
Im gonna verify youre safe from those damned things.
I wont let them have you, Ill lay down my life before I let that happen.
Could I reason with him?
I wasnt sure, but I had to try.
Whats your end game, here?
I asked, You know we cant stay up here forever, right?
Good God, had he even thought things through that far?
I strongly suspected he hadnt.
No, we cant.
He said, finally.
If they visited you but they hadnt tracked you yet, thats good news.
How do you know theyll just give up?
I had to ask.
I dont, not for sure.
I think maybe they chose you because of me.
They saw something in my genes they wanted, I guess.
Thats the nearest I can figure.
But they must have other irons in the fire, so to speak.
Maybe when you aint there the next time theyll just move on to the next girl.
Thats the best I got to go on.
Thats a lot of maybes, I said.
I felt a little better after having eaten something, but that feeling of hopelessness remained.
Dont I know it, He agreed, but its the best we got to go on.
Maybe when we get back to civilization I can convince your daddy to keep a close watch on you.
I imagine hell be a bit sore though, me having run off with you without telling him.
Wasnt no time for that.
He never talked about it.
Not to me at least.
Dad was too forgiving of Jason, I know that.
Mom would complain about it sometimes, never when he was around to hear it, of course.
It was a tender subject.
She could see him for who he really was, just like I did.
Although, in light of current circumstances, none of us knew or suspected half of it.
Not even after the incident with the rock.
I felt sick all over again.
The macaroni roiled in my stomach violently.
I wondered how long it would be before he decided to hurt me again.
Maybe Id feel better if I could just put a wall between us.
Im feeling kind of worn out, I told him.
I think Im going to lay down.
Sure kid, he said, Get some rest.
We can play some cards later on if youre feeling up to it.
I think Im gonna step outside and get a bit of fresh air, myself.
Uh, bedrooms are just down the hall there.
I nodded and stepped away with my bowl and soda can.
I tossed the can and cleaned the bowl out with a rag.
I heard a slapping sound and turned around with a start.
He stepped through the door without a nod over his shoulder.
There was no lock, of course.
I glanced around the room and found an old chair that seemed sturdy enough.
It just slid down to the floor uselessly.
I sighed and threw the drop cloth off the bed.
The bed was made, and it looked like it had never been used.
I threw myself down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
I was tired, but my nerves were still jangling and I couldnt settle down.
I felt better just being alone.
Maybe a grizzly bear would eat Jason while he was out there chain smoking and I would be okay.
I felt so stupid.
A girl in a book would think of a clever plan to outwit her captor and escape.
I guess this was how kidnappings really went.
No clever plans, just imprisonment, and eventual murder.
Hell, I wished the aliens were real.
Id rather be with them, all things considered.
They let Jason go once they were done poking and prodding at him.
It was quiet in a way I never knew before.
Living in the city, I could always hear the sounds of life.
I couldnt even hear birds here, cold as it was they had all packed up and moved south.
I hated it, the silence.
What if they never find out what happened to me?
What if they never connect my disappearance to my crazy uncle?
Dad wouldnt believe it, I know that.
Not Jason, not his baby brother.
But I couldnt resent him for seeing the best in everyone, could I?
I could end up in a shallow grave lost forever and eventually forgotten.
That did it, I started crying again, furious at myself for being so useless.
God, I hated him.
No use trying to sleep away the hours.
All I was doing was winding myself up more.
I sat up, screwing my fists into my eyes.
If I saw him I would scream, I knew it.
Did he really think he was abducted?
Did he really think he was protecting me?
Or was it all a willful fabrication, an attempt to lower my defenses before he struck?
I agonized in indecision, I dont know for how long.
I didnt think he would expect it from me and that gave me an edge.
Eventually, I did fall asleep.
I guess its draining to be caught in a frenzied cycle of fear, anger, and despair.
I awoke in the darkness to the call of my bladder.
I would have to face him again.
I guessed it was inevitable.
I stepped out into the living room and saw him playing solitaire at the table.
The air was murky with cigarette smoke.
He smiled wanly at me as he laid a card down.
A bag of potato chips lay open on near to his right hand.
Hey there, sleepyhead.
He said, as if everything was normal, Thought you were going to sleep the whole night through.
Its near on ten.
I have to go to the bathroom, I announced, feeling myself blush.
He frowned, and said, I better go with you.
I cried, feeling the blush turn my face beet red.
Its not safe to go out there alone after dark.
You dont know whats out there.
I insisted, If I see any bears or whatever Ill run for the door.
I dont want you standing outside the door while I take a piss, its embarrassing!
He considered this and finally said, Okay.
You run back ahollering so I can know somethings up.
I promise you, Uncle Jason, I told him, That will not be a problem.
Good, he said.
Another card on the table.
I turned to leave, but he called me back.
Wheres my head at?
Janie-girl, it is pitch black out there.
He rose and rifled through a bag near at hand.
He pulled out a flashlight.
I took the light from him mumbling a thank you and stepped outside.
God it was cold, and I was barefoot.
I couldnt even see the treeline in the moonless night.
I was suddenly afraid of more than just the psychopath in the cabin.
I feared the dark and the things that might be stalking under its cover.
I wouldnt even scan the trees for fear of illuminating watchful eyes.
My need to urinate became all the more urgent and I rushed for the outhouse.
I was thankful at least that I had already used it and so knew where to find it.
What if something was waiting just outside?
What if a mountain lion caught my scent and was waiting for me to emerge?
I shivered, and not just from the cold.
I listened, listened hard.
The silence prevailed, and it was just as disconcerting as ever.
An absence of sound did not mean an absence of threats.
God damn it, how hard was it to install a working toilet inside?
Ten deep breaths and I jumped up and burst through the door into the darkness.
I could feel the debris that littered the ground biting at my bare feet and I didnt care.
I only cared about reaching the door before something pounced on me.
I was at the door before I remembered to take a breath.
For some reason, I looked back before stepping inside.
Maybe it was to prove to myself that I wasnt a total coward.
Maybe I was just overconfident for having made it so far.
Maybe I thought I heard a sound.
I scanned the treeline with my flashlight knowing I would regret it.
In this, I did not disappoint myself.
Something passing from one tree to another, just beyond the yard.
Something that walked on two legs.
By the time I shut the door behind myself I was certain I saw nothing, or nothing unusual.
It was just a flash, after all.
I was just seeing what I wanted to see.
I didnt mention it to Jason.
He remarked, but he looked relieved.
I asked, changing the subject.
Sure, He said, gathering the deck and shuffling.
Deal em I said, pulling up a chair.
We played cards for a couple of hours, barely speaking.
I didnt think about the thing I didnt see.
I didnt think about it at all.
My calf itched where I had the razor burn and I scratched at it compulsively.
Jason must have thought this was a tell because he kept anteing up and losing hands.
Maybe a couple of hours of what seemed like normality disarmed me somewhat.
He asked, peering over his hand.
I dont get your meaning, he said, cautiously.
I sighed and set down my own hand.
I had two pairs, threes and eights.
Can I be totally honest with you?
Of course, He replied.
I dont want you to think you got to hide anything from me.
You have to know how this looks to me.
Im not calling you a liar, but I dont believe in aliens and abductions.
Gray, he said, frowning.
Green, gray, whatever.
What Im saying is… Uncle Jason, you kidnapped me.
I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.
Somehow I hadnt run out of them yet.
Are you going to kill me?
Just tell me, are you going to kill me?!
He surprised me then, he burst into tears of his own.
Not just a little either.
Whatever I said, it broke the dam.
He cried into his hands and shook.
I wanted to comfort him in spite of everything, but I couldnt move.
I had never even seen a grown man cry before and it floored me completely.
Im sorry, I… kindly…
I started bawling again.
We cried together in that cabin over our playing cards, the table like a wall between us.
We could offer each other no comfort, islands unto ourselves.
Finally, he composed himself enough that he could speak again.
His voice was ragged and his eyes still ran with tears.
Im so sorry, Janie.
Shit, youre too smart to have a piece of shit like me for an uncle.
Its no secret my past is checkered.
I lived for no one but me and I got everything I deserved.
Uncle- I started, but he waved me silent.
No one ever had a reason to believe me, I know that.
Hells bells, I guess Im just about the cliche of the hillbilly UFO nut.
So I know how this must look to you.
You already pieced it together, too.
I dont have a plan.
I just heard what you said and knew I had to do something.
No big surprise, I fucked this up too.
But I swear to you before God, Janie-girl, I didnt kidnap you to do you any harm.
I told you that, and I mean it.
He began sobbing again and I couldnt help myself.
I crossed the table and I held him.
He cried into my shoulder with his arms wrapped around me.
I forgot to be afraid of him.
Im so god damned afraid all the time and I cant let you live like that too!
Okay, Uncle, Okay.
Lets say Ill give you the benefit of the doubt.
But we cant stay here forever.
A couple of days and we go back home.
Ill take your side and stick up for you with mom and dad.
make a run at ensure they dont press charges.
Is that a deal?
Yeah, honey, thats a deal.
Thats what I want.
Insurance, you might say.
I asked, a little warily.
Here, He said, reaching into his bag.
He pulled out a hunting knife in a leather scabbard and passed it to me.
No, I protested, pushing the knife away.
I dont want-
kindly, he said, pushing it back.
Just hold onto it.
If you feel like you cant trust me or youre in trouble, dont think.
You should be able to protect yourself.
I insist you take it.
It would have been foolish not to, really.
It was the very thing I had been wishing for only hours before.
I threaded the scabbard through my belt and I felt better for having it.
Lets have some music, Jason said, his voice still raw.
Ive got fresh batteries in the stereo and a few tapes.
What do you say?
Sure, I said.
He gestured toward the tape deck, a box of cassettes beside it.
Take your pick
I opened the box and rifled through the assortment.
The Doors, L.A. Woman.
Probably my all-time favorite band and my all-time favorite album.
The Changeling came first with its killer thudding bass line.
Morrisons voice came on, all growls and swagger.
I aint never been so broke that I couldnt leave town, He declared.
I danced my way to the couch and sprawled out, tapping time on my knees.
By the time Changeling transitioned to Love Her Madly, I had all but forgotten my dire situation.
I could have been back in my room, sprawled out on the bed instead of a musty couch.
Alone instead of trapped with my unhinged uncle.
I opened an eye.
Jason was still at the table, nodding his head and dealing out solitaire yet again.
He looked desperately tired, which was no surprise.
He said as much, and I believed that part.
He dumped out a couple of pills into his hand and knocked them back.
He must have seen my look of alarm.
Its just caffeine, He told me.
He lobbed the bottle to me, and I could see that he was telling the truth.
The pills in the bottle matched the photo on the label.
I lobbed the bottle back to him, which he caught deftly.
Jim informed us that he had been down so god-damned long it looked like up to him.
Gotta stay up, He informed me, keep a lookout, you know?
What are you going to do if they come?
give a shot to stop them.
He told me flatly.
He would say no more.
I had no further questions.
The title track came on, My favorite on the entire album.
I was almost asleep again when the tape ended.
I crossed the room to flip to the other side.
The window was closed, but darkness leaked through a crack between the shutters.
Was it the headlights or the flashlights of my saviors?
I didnt think it could be lightning, because it wasnt raining and I heard no thunder.
I turned to Jason, but he didnt seem to have noticed it.
He was focused on finding a place for the three of hearts.
I bopped back to the couch and plopped down, waiting.
Before Riders On The Storm ended, I had fallen asleep.
I was rudely awakened sometime later to silence and the feeling of hands on my arms, shaking me.
I cried out and groped at my side for the knife, only it was the wrong side.
He covered my mouth with his sweaty palm and urged me to be quiet with his eyes.
My heart pounded in my chest like Densmores drums.
Carefully, he guided my face to the window across the room.
Bluish light seeped from the cracks between the shutters, steady this time.
Not furtive at all.
I saw that the light radiated from under the door frame as well.
My gaze was turned back to Jasons face.
I could see panic vibrating through his expression.
No, not panic.
It was either infectious or I had plenty of my own.
Listen very carefully, He hissed, just at the point of audibility.
I could smell chips and cigarettes on his breath.
You have to do exactly what I say.
Nod if you understand.
He asked as if I could have missed it.
That theres the closet.
Get inside that closet and dont make a single peep, not if you value your life.
Nod if you got it.
Now nod if you promise you aint gonna yell out if I pull my hand away.
I nodded once again.
Satisfied, he shoved me toward the closet.
I tried not to think of how many spiders might have been nesting in the dark recesses therein.
I wasnt going to get out unless someone let me out.
For a time after that, the silence was as total as the darkness.
My mind raced with the possibilities of what might be transpiring outside.
What if the police shoot Jason and no one finds me here?
I cried again, silently in the dark and waited for my fate to find me.
It was Jason, he was screaming.
I could hear rage mingling with the horror, fighting for dominance.
My heart quailed at the sound.
It was not the sound of someone confronting a rescue team.
It was the sound of someone confronting their worst fear in the flesh.
My chest began to burn and I realized I had forgotten to breathe.
I tried to shrink back further into the closet, but there was no more room for retreat.
A shot rang out.
Jason cried out again, this time in triumph.
I didnt even know he had a gun, not for sure.
Shots rang out one after the other, with Jasons cries and oaths filling the silence between.
I could smell the gunpowder.
After a time I realized something else: No one was shooting back.
All of the gunshots were coming from the same place.
What was happening out there?
Was this just another fantasy?
Jesus, could he have set the lights up himself?
But that was stupid.
He wouldnt be so foolish as to give himself away like that without good reason, Right?
The only thing I could hear outside the closet was Jasons footsteps.
Near as I could tell, he was crossing from one window to another and back again.
Tension wound a steel spring in my guts.
If it was over, whatever it actually was, why didnt he give the all-clear?
He was still again.
What did he see?
What was he waiting for?
I got my answer in the form of a slamming sound from the other side of the cabin.
Jason cried, and I could hear him stomping away.
YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WONT TAKE ME AGAIN!
He bellowed the sound muffled somewhat by the cabin walls that separated us.
Gunfire again, wild shots that seemed to be aimed everywhere around him.
As quickly as they came the gunshots stopped, but not Jasons cries.
He bellowed every profanity I knew, and many that were new to me.
He bellowed threats of every kind.
That was almost the exact line of threats I made against him hours ago.
He ran my way.
He must have been out of ammunition.
Come and get me then, you gray cowards!
I heard him slam the door as he leaped out into the yard.
Moments later I heard the sound of footsteps coming down the hall again.
These ones were lighter and less hurried, but there were considerably more of them.
Who was out there, really?
And why did it sound like they were barefoot?
The footsteps stopped somewhere in the living room and I waited to be found, unable to even breathe.
I didnt wait long.
They didnt find me, though.
The next thing I heard were the screams.
Not the same as before.
There was terror in these screams, yes, but mostly there was pain.
If I lived to be one hundred years old, I hoped to never hear that agonized sound again.
It went on and on.
Probably just for the span of a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity.
Next was silence, and the silence prevailed for hours.
I sat there motionless until my muscles ached and protested and cramped viciously.
I could hear nothing save for my own tortured respiration.
It must have been daylight again before I dared to escape the closet.
I pushed and I struggled and I fought for every inch of progress.
At last, I could squeeze through, and I emerged from the closet into an empty cabin.
The keys to Jasons truck, for a miracle, were sitting on the table.
Did he know then, that I would be left on my own?
Why else would he have removed them from his pocket?
I snatched them up and investigated the rest of the cabin.
He was nowhere to be seen, but that was no surprise.
The walls were dotted with bullet holes and that was no surprise ever.
The kitchen was trashed but I saw no blood or bodies.
Just shattered dishes and exploded cans.
What happened here, really?
Finally, I decided I had to leave.
There was nothing for me there, if there ever was in the first place.
It certainly wasnt the sanctuary that Jason hoped it would be.
And a terrible shock.
Midway to the treeline was a black spot, perfectly round and burned into the dead grass and weeds.
At the center of the spot was Jason, or what was left of him.
His remains were twisted, contorted into a terrible, unnatural position.
His jaw hung open as if screaming silently, eternally.
I could almost hear the sound from hours ago.
I would hear it again in my dreams for years to come.
The fire did not spread an inch past that circle.
I dont know how that could be possible, but it was.
Did this mean… Was my uncle right?
What else could have done this?
Why did he leave?
Was he trying to draw them away from me?
That must have been it.
I mourned him there.
I should have gotten in the van and fled that terrible place, and eventually, I would.
First, though, I mourned.
I hated him and I feared him.
Like so many others, I never gave him a chance.
I called him a liar and I never wavered in that conviction.
Maybe he deserved better.
I saw something of him that night, something I never expected.
I saw a sadness, a loneliness beyond measure.
It didnt matter now if those dangers were real or the product of a fevered imagination.
Was it courageous, what he did?
Was it even the right thing to do?
Maybe I would know when I was older and had the time to think about it.
He wouldnt have the same luxury.
Whatever happened here last night, he died for me.
I stared up from the burn, from my uncles blackened bones.
I stared up past the trees and to the cloudless sky.
Both possibilities terrified me.
Sometime later I managed to find the way out of that forest and back to the real world.
I found a phone and called my parents.
The rest was a circus, just like the one my uncle faced.
If I suffered from terrible nightmares, who could blame me?
It was a traumatic event I lived through, and a few bad dreams were par for the course.
If I feared open windows and certain colors of light, that was to be expected.
In time I would get over it, even if I needed therapy to do so.
Just- A couple of things.
Those bumps on my leg, the razor burn?
They never quite went away.
They stopped itching, sure, but the swelling never quite went all the way down.
Probably nothing to worry about.
I would make mom take me to the dermatologist if it every changed shape or anything.
But then theres the other thing, and that thing worries me a lot.
Not just late, Im pregnant.
And Im still a virgin.
And Im frightened of what may be growing inside of me.
