I wanted to throw my phone across the room when I got her message.
Icant hold her every time she wants to be held, I wanted to scream.I just cant.
Sometimes I just want to say bullshitwhen someone says this.
Simon Rae
Not every moment is worth cherishing.
Some moments just truly suck.
Like last night, when I yelled at my daughter.
I was overcome by a big emotion and lost control.
I was so angry.
Daisy cried and I stayed upstairs, breathing and coming back to myself.
I felt so much anger, butwhatwas I so angry about?
That doesnt seem out of the ordinary or worth such an angry outburst.So what was I so angry about?
Still, I felt bad, wrong, shameful, like I was a horrible mother.
I wondered if something was wrong with me because I got so upset.
After Daisy fell asleep, I sat in my bed and wrote in my journal.
I wanted to understand my anger better so that it didnt feel so foreign and wrong.
I wanted to slip beneath its strong current and watch it from the inside.
What I learned surprised me in some ways but also just made sense.
Daisy is almost four and is in preschool five days a week now.
Unlike the first or even the second year of motherhood, I have energy again.
The brain fog of new motherhood has lifted and Im ready to be challenged and stretched in new ways.
I am eager to learn, grow, do, and become.
In short, Im back in the world again and it feels great.
My daughter is a fiercely independent, outgoing, strong, brave girl who is becoming her own person.
Its constant work and exhausting.
All of it I did willingly and with an indescribable amount of love.
I need it, crave it, and make it a priority like I have never done before.
I feel like I am two people living in one body.
One of me is in the world, driven by a deep ambition to create and serve.
One is moving fast.
One is moving slow.
One wants to take a break from mothering at times.
The other one loves being a mother more than anything else.
One wants to change the world.
The other one wants to curl up on the couch and let someone else change the world.
Their energy doesnt align.
Their needs dont match, and one usually gets more attention than the other.
I cant do this.I get angry.
I feel guilt and shame.
I lose myself in an emotion and make my daughter cry.
Last night I realized I am simply human.
I am not wrong or bad.
I am learning how deep my love goes and how profound my dedication to my daughter is.
My awareness is growing, as is my ability to love myself through even the ugliest of moments.
And that is worth cherishing.
